May 2013
11 posts
Remember.
Think back to October 2011. I was yapping on about a Ross, a flatmate of an ex, about how hot he was, etc etc.
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I don’t think I blogged about it but those 2 years ago we were together for a day before he decided “nah, used you for sex, going back to my ex now”. They were together for about a year and a bit. I think they broke up at the start of this year, same with Zane...
Help.
i’m sitting here on the floorcrying punching myself in the legs and stomach and bashing my head agaisnt the wall because I’M FUCKING INSANE AND I CAN’T GET COUNSELLING ANYD NOBODY IS HELPING ME HELP
Break.
I’m going to take a break. Either next week, or the week after.
I’m going to stay here for a week, with no technology, and no friends. Just me, alone.
Hopefully it will help me rest, and clear my head.
I’ll have a notebook to record my thoughts, which I will then copy to here.
Avoidance.
am i avoiding dating anyone new because i don’t like anyone else?
am i avoiding dating anyone new because i still have hope?
am i avoiding dating anyone new because i don’t want him assuming it means i’m over him?
am i avoiding dating anyone new because i don’t want to possibly hurt the new person?
i don’t know?
Seen.
Fair enough, that he didn’t answer. I can assume:
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http://i.imgur.com/jbAUnLP.png
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Thanks.
I have to thank Lilli for constantly being support for me even with all the whining I do. ♥ You got your own life and problems but you still help me :) Thanks doll.
Happening.
Things are happening?
My course is really good. I’ve had 2/8 days already, and I just checked the time, I need to get ready for my 3rd! I will after I finish this post. We’ve learnt about built cocktails and shaken cocktails,and a little about coffee and spirits.
I’ve spoken to two counselling services already, and waiting on a response from a third. How hard is it to just get...
Derp.
I contacted a place to get counselling yesterday. Just waiting for a reply.
Applied for a few jobs this week! My favourite was working for Ticketek as an Event Manager but also just this morning I sent my CV into an email that I saw on a construction site in town for a new bakery. Would be a great location! Though not sure what my role would be and I would hope it wouldn’t be too...
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Counselling.
Dear friends, family, world.
Stop hanging out with me.
Hanging out with you is fun and all, but it’s also a distraction and me procrastinating on getting help.
Don’t hang out with me until I get help, until I’m better.
Tell me I’m crazy and that you don’t want to be my friend until I’m okay again.
Maybe if enough people tell me, maybe if I run out of...
Erp.
I broke down crying in the middle of town last night, for no specific reason. I just missed Zane.
But Ross was absolutely lovely and let me stay a second night and we cuddled and he’s helping me get help and he’s so good to me.
Dilemma.
Zane post. Read more? Don’t bother.
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I was hanging with a mutual friend last night, we had pizza and she was helping me with my cosplay makeup.
We got on the topic of Zane, and apparently he had told her if he couldn’t find a job and some income soon enough, he’d be forced to move back to New Zealand.
Some would think “oh the crazy ex girlfriend, i bet...
April 2013
19 posts
Babies.
My best friend had a baby! I’m calling myself an aunt even though I’m not his aunt.
Little boy, natural birth, all is well. Going to see them all tonight.
It’s crazy how we’ve all grown up. Well she has, she has a job, a boyfriend, a house and a little boy. I have a tendancy to whine a lot. Hum.
BUT I’M REALLY PROUD OF HER AND HER BOYFRIEND AND I CAN’T WAIT...
Sorry.
everyones yelling at me andn i want dto die… im sorry icdont know what im doign wrong…
Question.
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How do I go about asking Zane to give me closure? It’s obviously best that he blocks me (because if I block him I can just unblock and add again), never contacts me, blocks me from his phone, and basically bluntly tells me without being nice “I don’t like you, we’re never going to be together, it’s over, stop hassling me”.
I can’t ask him for...
How.
How did I manage to get to the stage where I’m too scared to talk to Zane, someone I used to call my best friend….
What.
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> he willingly talks to me
> asks for help with d&d
> i can’t help, i apologize
> continues to talk about playing d&d with his new friends
> tell him how happy i am for him
> cry inside
Subway.
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How do I manage to cry, at the mention of Subway!? Wow. Pamela you cray, fo real.
Don't.
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There was something family related (that I can’t post, it would be invading someone ELSE’S privacy) I felt Zane should know, so I just apologized and sent him what it was, apologized more and more, and said that I was too scared to talk to him and once I sent the message that I wouldn’t reply again. Then I apologized again. Gr8.
Waiting.
Less than a month till my Bar/Cocktail course starts!
I got so worried I’d have to start waking up early again, but then I realized it started at 6pm. NYWAHAH.
1 tag
Anonymous asked: You need professional help. Obsessive behavior and stalking is unhealthy and you really need to stop.
Fuck.
I UNBLOCKED ZANE
STALKED ALL HIS POSTS SINCE WHEN I FIRST BLOCKED HIM
AND THEN ADDED HIM AS A FRIEND
OH HOLY SHIT PAMELA WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
I’M GOING TO CRY CAUSE I CAN’T FUCKING CONTROL MYSELF
OH MY GOD HE ACCEPTED WITHIN 30 SECONDS WHAT THE HELL
EDIT: HE’S LIKING MY PHOTOS…
EDIT: I WANT HIM TO TALK TO ME??? I DON’T KNOW WHY??? BUT I DO???
Cry.
Someone please bring me orange juice and ginger beer, bake me some chocolate brownies, stop me from crying and look at pictures of cats with me.
I’ve gone comparatively long without having a break down and now I want to die again.
Unblock.
When can I unblock Zane on Facebook!?
When can I add him back!
When can I talk to him and tell him I missed him and then cry over all his posts that I never saw.
i shOULDN’T UDNBLOCK HIM FBUT I REAL Y THINK I WANT TO..
Eh.
I haven’t been updating here in a while. I just don’t know what to say? Like things have been happening but hm.
I have a guy, friends w/ benefits. I’m not over Zane, I think anyone that knows me knows that. Talking about him every 5 seconds god damn. But I deserve to be happy right? That’s what everybody seems to want, for me to “get over him and move on”....
Me.
I went to Scottie and Anna’s wedding on Saturday! It was so beautiful, Scottie looked all red and nervous, so so happy, and Anna was beautiful and she couldn’t keep the smile off of her face. The wedding was so sweet, and the reception was super fun. Due to my restless leg syndrome though I had to leave early and get some sleep.
I got sad on Saturday night when I was home, kept...
Courses.
So as well as the Bar & Cocktail course I’m doing from the 13th - 23rd of May, I just enrolled for a PHP/MySQL course on the 8th - 9th of May.
Probably should’ve asked my parents first, as Dad is storing my money atm.
Ooops?
Thought.
Maybe I’m so sad and angry and everything goes back to him, because.
Maybe I feel so bad because I GAVE EVERYTHING I WAS AND EVERYTHING ABOUT ME I GAVE MY HEART AND MY SOUL AND MY LIFE TO HIM and he didn’t want that.
Maybe I’m like this because I gave everything to him and I was denied.
Sad.
I feel so sad. Like I’m not crying but I want to so badly.
I was meant to wake up at 1 and go to town but I slept till 6 and now I feel really REALLY shit and every little thing is making me sad and hurt.
Last night I kept thinking that Zane would be bitching about the fact that I blocked him, and I KNOW that’s not him, infact if anything he’d be a bit hurt by it, but my mind...
Empty.
i’m just sittingehre and im very sad and cryig and i just feel lonely ad empty and i jdont know what to do…
i dont want to move or get up and i just keep crying andd crying i cant stop :(((
March 2013
41 posts
Wow.
Warning, contains: sex, Zane, family issues
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Last night I had sex, of course with someone else. First time since early December, first time since Zane. And it was good. And I don’t regret it.
Zane’s mum found my shirt, so hopefully I should get it soon :)
I visited my family yesterday. Within an hour there is crying and screaming and just— why do I go back there!?
Lost.
I went to a party last night and it was good, i caught up with friends i hadn’t seen in a while, i cuddled with a cute boy on the couch, and then i made a nice dinner when i got home.
But all I can think about, was playing a joke with this guy, trying to touch his face with another friends of mine, and in the process I lost my ring in the grass.
The ring that Zane gave me, not long after...
Adult.
I felt good today! As some of you may know (I can’t remember if I’ve blogged about it or not, and I can’t be bothered checking) my grandparents went on holiday Wednesday morning. They’re back on the 7th, so I’m on my own, housesitting and feeding the cat.
Now I got scared and nervous and cried to mummy because “I’m a little kid and I can’t even take...
Mistake.
When I was in my delusion about Zane, I gave him my favourite shirt. I left it at his flat and knew it was there, just wanted him to have it cause it meant a lot to me and he meant a lot to me.
When he left, though not in the delusion, I still cared for him and so I was all “yeeeaaaah keep it!”
But I saw a photo with me wearing it and. It made me sad. Cause I want that shirt back. I...
Stuff.
Looking for:
an email back from BodyFX so I can possibly do a short course there
extensions online for my Skwisgaar Skwigelf cosplay
Waiting for:
a new cellphone to get delivered
wig to get delivered for my Tiny Tina cosplay
bank details so I can pay my costume maker for my Tiny Tina cosplay
money to arrive in my account so I can buy 3 pairs of tights
I’m doing stuff Lori! Things.
Sob.
I feel awful, and sad, and i want to throw up.
I’ve lost a lot of weight and i’m no longer medically healthy. I get very sick when i’m underweight and it’s already started.
I want to die.
I texted Mitch and asked if he could come online Facebook so i could cry to him and he could cheer me up but he didn’t reply and he’s not online.
Internet hugs are...
Friends
I hate how some people mock my town scum/bogan friends.
And i hate using those terms but that’s the only way people seem to know who i’m talking about.
They are my second family, they look out for me and are happy to be around me, they compliment me.
They are the friends i can be truly, TRULY me around.
I’ve got some great friends, followers of this blog included, but as...
Done.
i did it.
Ill.
Sorry for another post but I’m crying again.
Natalie fucking Roper.
Sure she’s nice I have nothing wrong with her but
Her relationship/friendship (what the fuck do you even call it when there were feelings!?) with Zane KILLS ME INSIDE.
AND SHE’S COMMENTING ON HIS STUFF.
AND I WANT TO FUCKING DIE.
Little.
Warning : Zane post.
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It was the little things that made me love him. The way he’d be gaming, i’d hug him from behind and hed giggle and say “Helloooo you”. The way he’d run out from behind the counter at Subway, pick me up and spin me around. He’d walk to town and i’d meet him halfway, i’d run to him and he’d stand there holding his arms out waiting to hold me. When i cried...
Crazy.
This post will talk about blowjobs and penis. Just to warn you.
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I find it so weird, that in all my sex life, I’ve felt ill trying to give blowjobs to uncircumsized cocks. Uncut, for the people at home. It’s natural, so why can’t I bring myself to it? Maybe it was because the first blowjob I ever gave was to a guy with a circumsized cock. That’s what people have...
Heh.
Is anyone actually keeping an eye on the slow little changes I’ve been making to my theme?
Life.
I’m doing things with my life.
I wasted 5 years in a high school where I couldn’t learn and suffered with everything. Now I’m out and sorting my life out.
I’ve signed up for a short bar course, also thinking about doing a 2 day BodyFX course which runs during the other course but luckily does not clash with times.
I have to thank my great grandmother who passed and left...
Hum.
I am a sad.
Because of Zane obviously.
It all comes back to him.
I was never jealous when we dated but now that he’s not mine, every girl, every single one. I’m jealous of them.
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Angry.
Gonna have a little feminist rant here. So I’ll put a read more and you can click it if you want.
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So I bussed into town today, and passed a sign that made me angry. I scoffed and people stared. Was gr8. It had a guy and a girl’s body, but the heads were wolf heads. It said things like “Stay in the pack!” and “Don’t be a lone wolf!”. I tried to...
eigenvictor asked: Bleed on their faces. Y'know, next time you're on your period. That way they'll know when you are, and are not.
Conflicted.
Like, I have two friends, guys, who I voice skype occasionally. We’ll call em A and Z and it basically goes like this:
A: Oh man *girl* is so hot I would ruin that pussy so bad
A: I need a girlfriend
A: Pamela how do I get a girlfriend?
Me: Stop treating them like a piece of meat maybe?
Z: Woah looks like someones on their period…
*laughs between themselves*
Like. I like them...
Weh.
I really want to go on the Zeal Camp this weekend but, with family issues (which you can message me about if need be) I really need to stay in Wellington around the 10th of April.
My nits are everywhere, I haven’t showered in a week. I’m fucking disgusting and have no motivation to do anything ever. I get out of bed around 4pm everyday. Ugh. How do I have friends.
I don’t have...
Early.
Well its 6:30am and i haven’t slept cause i was skyping a cute boy until now. Seriously we skyped from like 12-6 it was beautiful. He was on voice and me on video.
St Patricks Day today. Shower in the morning then into my outfit :3
Thinking.
I wonder how bad i hurt Harlyn. I wonder if she still hurts, after all this time.
I know the stories are different but i just let Harlyn go and moved on. Zane did the same.
Except i have always felt guilty for what i did to Harlyn. And i have never once forgotten what we had. I still cry A LOT over that girl.
I doubt Zane could say the same in a few years.
Somewhere.
I applied for my course Thursday! By apply, I mean it’s straight acceptance. So I just paid the deposit and got in. Infact, he thought I wanted to join the group that starts on Monday. He didn’t even look at the date on my form. I had to point it out. I’m doing the one afterwards which starts in May, not March.
I worked a gig at Zeal again last night. The candy bar is a hit! And...
